Cypher Introduction

This is just a little bit I wrote as an introduction to Cypher, one of my ideas for a character. I'm not quite sure whats in store for him yet but I plan on big changes from his clinical lab-home. Ill say more about him in the ideas area i suppose, but anyway tell me what you guys think!

I wake up. Opening my eyes slowly, the world becomes clear again. How long was I asleep? The room hasn't changed. The old poster still hangs there on the wall, the wardrobe remains stood proud in its tiny corner and the crack on the wall is still climbing slowly around my tiny roof. But something feels different. Like the air has changed. I should probably introduce myself; my name is Cypher.

It's funny really, waking up different. I don't mean when your hair is messed up or you've grown a touch of facial hair; this time I wake up and I really do see. Glasses are a thing of the past, now I have eyes like a hawk. Better than a hawk. 'All part of the process' Doctor Branhan told me. Apparently the 'process' was the job of turning me into something not quite human.

I stand slowly because my muscles ache, but of course these aren't my muscles. They're not even muscles really; some clever metal that acts like muscle, but better. Stronger. I'm not sure there was a single thing Dr. Branham left the same. I hope he left my soul intact, I might need that.

A mirror is placed lazily against my wall, covering a white side of the bland box that I live in. Any normal person would have asked for some accommodation that was a little more appealing, but seeing as I'll only need a few hours sleep a week my room isn't really worth my time to decorate.

The mirror shows me that I'm not at all myself any more. At first glance nothing appears to have changed, but upon further inspection I start to notice things. My eyes are a slightly different shade. My arms are bigger, my whole body is. I'm taller, but not by much. I probably just about get above 6ft now. Go me.

My hair is growing back too, which was always a worry. It's short and military, but I don't mind. It's not like I have anyone nearby to notice. Living in a lab isn't all that fun really, especially when everyone insists on sticking needles in me and checking my 'vital signs' every second as if the artificial breeze might knock me over. Honestly, you'd think they had more confidence in their own work! Hopefully all that's over now.

Anyway, today's the day. 'Integration Test Day' officially, but to me it's just a little taste of freedom...


-Logan

Hey Logan! First of all I'd like to say,this is great! I really like the idea and the character (': you could definitely do a lot with it. I really like the way you've fed information into this opening. You've dropped hints in the right places and haven't overloaded us with too much back story or facts which is great! It makes me keen to find out how the story will unfold and why Cypher has been experimented on, who Dr Branhan (good name by the way) really is and what it will all mean for Cypher. To me you've also brought the persona of Cypher across really well; from how he talks I see him as a young boy, a teenager perhaps? (I've just checked this with the ideas section, he is indeed, so it's good that I got that feeling from the text!) All in all, really like this post Logan :')

Below I'm going to do a full critique of the post; please don't feel like I'm picking apart your work, I just find the best way to give full feedback is do it sentence by sentence! Hope it's useful (:

-E

I wake up. Opening my eyes slowly, the world becomes clear again. How long was I asleep? The room hasn't changed. Good feeding in of information here; with one 4 letter sentence you've smoothly told us that these surroundings are familiar, that he's been here before. This helps us already start to form an idea of the scene and the story; nice one! The old poster still hangs there on the wall, the wardrobe remains stood proud in its tiny corner and the crack on the wall is still climbing slowly around my tiny roof. "The crack in the wall is still climbing slowly around my tiny roof" really like this sentence! The way you've described the crack as 'climbing' seems to personify it, it put a great image in my head. But something feels different. Like the air has changed. I should probably introduce myself It might just be personal preference but I think the 'I should probably' bit of this spoils the flow of the text a little, and perhaps makes it sound a little too conversation like. Maybe 'let me introduce myself' or 'I ought to introduce myself' would be better? Also consider starting a new line with this sentence, so it looked something like

"... But something feels different. Like the air has changed.
I ought to introduce myself. My name is Cypher."

Because the 'introduce myself' bit is quite separate from what you were previously describing I just think it reads better on a different line; it makes it less random and gives it more effect. But I'm honestly just nitpicking (': ; my name is Cypher.Short, simple, snappy; I like it. Good name!

It's funny really, waking up different.Good hinting again. I don't mean when your hair is messed up or you've grown a touch of facial hair; this time I wake up and I really do see. Glasses are a thing of the past, now I have eyes like a hawk. Better than a hawk. 'All part of the process' Doctor Branhan told me. Apparently the 'process' was the job of turning me into something not quite human. Oooh! Great dropping in of information in this passage, we're really starting to get a feel for the story.

I stand slowly because my muscles ache, but of course these aren't my muscles. They're not even muscles really; some clever metal that acts like muscle, but better. Stronger.Nice short sentences, gives it effect I'm not sure there was a single thing Dr. Branham left the same. I hope he left my soul intact, I might need that. Haha! Nice bit of humour, I like it. Maybe put a semi colon in instead of a comma just so the pause for effect is even bigger?

A mirror is placed lazily against my wall, covering a white side of the bland box that I live in. Any normal person would have asked for some accommodation that was a little more appealing, but seeing as I'll only need a few hours sleep a week my room isn't really worth my time to decorate.

The mirror shows me that I'm not at all myself any more. At first glance nothing appears to have changed, but upon further inspection I start to notice things. My eyes are a slightly different shade. My arms are bigger, my whole body is. I'm taller, but not by much. I probably just about get above 6ft now. Go me. Yet again good unfolding of information in these two paragraphs, they read really well.

My hair is growing back too, which was always a worry. Not sure about the 'was' here just because so far everything has been in present tense, but do you mean that it was a worry before the experiment? It's short and military, but I don't mind. It's not like I have anyone nearby to notice. Living in a lab isn't all that fun really, especially when everyone insists on sticking needles in me and checking my 'vital signs' every second as if the artificial breeze might knock me over. Honestly, you'd think they had more confidence in their own work! The character's voice really comes across here, he's quite funny! Hopefully all that's over now.

Anyway, today's the day. 'Integration Test Day' officially, but to me it's just a little taste of freedom...


Really like this!! Can't wait to find out about 'Integration Test Day.' I hope my comments have been useful; I look forward to reading more! (':

-E